Plums, Pomegranates & Cantaloupe

I don’t think my teeth are sharp enough to take a bite out of you. Every time I try, I somehow end up ripping off a bunch of your skin and getting my face all wet. I don’t like being damp when I eat. Also, your pit to flesh ratio is WAY off. The only thing with a worse ratio is the cherry. You’re an overly juicy grape that’s 80% pit. Can you tell me why I should eat you instead of a grape?


It just took me 6 tries to spell you correctly and it still doesn’t look right. So that’s a serious issue right there. Also, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EAT YOU. Every time I open you up (twice in my life), I think, “Oh, I accidentally broke some kind of bizarre college art project.”  You look like the brains of a bigger more evolved fruit. Here’s the other thing. I’m pretty sure you’re all seed. Am I seeing this right? Like, that’s your thing? “Dude, I’m a big seed pocket, take it or leave it.” I can’t for the life of me understand how you’re pulling that off. I’ll be honest with you, in my book, you’re VERY close to becoming a holiday fruit like the pumpkin and fig.

Homegrown Cantaloupe 2

Did someone cut a milk fart, or is there a cantaloupe in here? Is that how you want to live your life? I put you in my fridge, and after 3 hours the whole thing smells like garbage. You’re the Chinese food of fruit. How am I supposed to be ok with that? You should be smaller so I can eat you all in one shot so I don’t have to store you and ruin the scent of my whole house for 4 days. Can we talk about the “u” in your name? Are you British? It’s affected, and you should be ashamed. Start spelling it “cantalope”, and we can start talking about other more important issues about you, like that fact that you have the same density as a mousepad and look far too vaginal.


17 Comments on “Plums, Pomegranates & Cantaloupe”

  1. Ashley says:

    You said vaginal… I giggled.

  2. katherine suliveras says:

    It is absolutely unfair for you to be this hilarious! Everything that comes out of your mouth send me into hysterics, KEEP IT UP, no pressure!

  3. Gina says:

    Excuse me?! Cantaloupes look too vaginal, but bananas are somehow okay?!

  4. Gina says:

    p.s. I f@$%ing hate bananas. (Though I totally agree with your view of smelly cantaloupes.)

  5. Kerri says:

    Well, fruit in general is really more like the uterus of the plant.

  6. Rynnah says:

    Finally, finally somebody understands. Oh my gosh, we need to be best friends.

  7. a. says:

    Re: Cantaloupe.
    THANK YOU. My toddler loves it, and my dear husband will cut it up so I don’t have to, but if the rinds are in the kitchen trash & not outside… BARF.

  8. Amie says:

    I’ve always said that cantaloupe is the bully of the fruit salad. It doesn’t matter how many other delicious fruits are in the salad, one piece of cantaloupe and the whole thing smells and tastes like nothing but cantaloupe.

    Also, the pear is the apple’s unnattractive, bad-complected cousin.

  9. KelMoon says:

    Cantaloupe is nothing but a gigantic fruit fly factory. All you have to do is bring it into your house and you are swatting at those things for a month.

  10. write more PLEASE!!!!!! this is amazing.

  11. drkatzisin says:

    Thank goodness….I thought my daughter and I were alone when we have conversations like this…you are heaven sent and, ironically, probably demented. Never change. xo

  12. drkatzisin says:

    Oh no…I think I broke one of the 3 rules of commentators…rats!

  13. pickles312 says:

    ROTF!! The one that really got me was the pomegranate!

  14. Sean says:

    I came here because I searched for “cantaloupe tastes like garbage.” And it does! So gross… but I used to have a cat who adored it. Evidently, there are some cats that go crazy for cantaloupe, and Buster was one of those. Whenever we took it out of the fridge, he would come running and jump up, reaching for it. It was so cute. Sometimes he would eat it so fast he would barf it all up.

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