Plums, Pomegranates & CantaloupePosted: January 16, 2013
I don’t think my teeth are sharp enough to take a bite out of you. Every time I try, I somehow end up ripping off a bunch of your skin and getting my face all wet. I don’t like being damp when I eat. Also, your pit to flesh ratio is WAY off. The only thing with a worse ratio is the cherry. You’re an overly juicy grape that’s 80% pit. Can you tell me why I should eat you instead of a grape?
It just took me 6 tries to spell you correctly and it still doesn’t look right. So that’s a serious issue right there. Also, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EAT YOU. Every time I open you up (twice in my life), I think, “Oh, I accidentally broke some kind of bizarre college art project.” You look like the brains of a bigger more evolved fruit. Here’s the other thing. I’m pretty sure you’re all seed. Am I seeing this right? Like, that’s your thing? “Dude, I’m a big seed pocket, take it or leave it.” I can’t for the life of me understand how you’re pulling that off. I’ll be honest with you, in my book, you’re VERY close to becoming a holiday fruit like the pumpkin and fig.
Did someone cut a milk fart, or is there a cantaloupe in here? Is that how you want to live your life? I put you in my fridge, and after 3 hours the whole thing smells like garbage. You’re the Chinese food of fruit. How am I supposed to be ok with that? You should be smaller so I can eat you all in one shot so I don’t have to store you and ruin the scent of my whole house for 4 days. Can we talk about the “u” in your name? Are you British? It’s affected, and you should be ashamed. Start spelling it “cantalope”, and we can start talking about other more important issues about you, like that fact that you have the same density as a mousepad and look far too vaginal.