Acai Berries & Pears

Acai Berries

Oh Boy, you’re just gonna save EVERYONE’S life aren’t you? You swoop in from Brazil making crazy claims about antioxidants and free radicals. You just chill there in your little juice bottle next to the Kombucha, acting like you’re some kind of gift to humanity. You know what, Acai, I don’t need you, OK? So go back to that jungle you came from. Take goji berry with you. I’ve never had either of you and I don’t intend to start now. My berry game is PRETTY SOLID and I’m not down with shakin’ it up.


You’re so disgusting that people started pairing you with gross cheeses. “Here’s something that tastes like wet moldy socks, and it’s accompanied by this fruit that’s only tolerable because the cheese is so nasty.” There’s a reason no one has tried to make an artificial version of you. It’s because you’re gross. No one wants a pear flavored skittle, because skittles are candy and candy is supposed to be enjoyable. I ONCE had a pear flavored jelly belly and spit it out. The next one I ate was popcorn flavored, and as nasty as that is, it was WAY better than you. There’s one other thing, and I don’t quite know how to say it, but I find you to be sorta floppy. That droopy half ass stem you have that just comes off 90% of the time when you pull it, and your tender, easily bruise-able skin, it’s just weak, pear. Somehow you survived natural selection like that, and while I’m not suggesting that you go the weapon route of the pineapple, I am nudging you toward toughening up a bit. When I eat a piece of fruit I don’t want to feel like I’m holding a baby bird.


4 Comments on “Acai Berries & Pears”

  1. Lisa says:

    At Christmastime, order some Royal Rivera pears from Harry and David’s. They will change your mind on pears.

  2. profpeary says:

    “A baby bird.” ROFL! It’s funny BECAUSE it’s true. xD

  3. Aimee says:

    GodDAMN i love this blog. I love your parenting blog, but I REALLY love this blog.

  4. Christina says:

    Ps. Acai, you taste like what I imagine shit tastes like.

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