Blueberries & Peaches

Blueberry,

Yes, I see you. You’re adorable. But roughly 90% of the time I put one of you in my mouth, I think “Did I just eat a giant blister?” Sorry, but I detest the way you fail to burst inside my mouth. I expect a nice crisp experience, but instead, receive  some half-assed deflation followed by a bitter juicy run off. You have a bad attitude. It’s as if someone is forcing you to pop and then you do it while muttering, “This is bullshit.” Stop acting like a teenage employee at a Yogurt Land, and start living up to your potential. Grapes have been blowing you away for centuries.

P.S, You are amazing in pie, so keep that up.

Peach,

How many perfectly ripe peaches does the average person eat in their lifetime? Two? I’d say that’s average. The edibility window of a peach is twelve minutes. For that twelve minutes, you are amazing. But at minute thirteen you turn into Penicillin, correct?

Also, could you do something about the noise you make when I bite into you? Does it absolutely have to sound like a van being submerged into pudding? If there’s some wiggle room there, I would suggest toning that down a bit. Also, the fuzz? Kind of nasty. Please advise.

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