Plums, Pomegranates & Cantaloupe
Posted: January 16, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized 15 Comments »
PLUM
I don’t think my teeth are sharp enough to take a bite out of you. Every time I try, I somehow end up ripping off a bunch of your skin and getting my face all wet. I don’t like being damp when I eat. Also, your pit to flesh ratio is WAY off. The only thing with a worse ratio is the cherry. You’re an overly juicy grape that’s 80% pit. Can you tell me why I should eat you instead of a grape?
POMEGRANATES
It just took me 6 tries to spell you correctly and it still doesn’t look right. So that’s a serious issue right there. Also, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EAT YOU. Every time I open you up (twice in my life), I think, “Oh, I accidentally broke some kind of bizarre college art project.” You look like the brains of a bigger more evolved fruit. Here’s the other thing. I’m pretty sure you’re all seed. Am I seeing this right? Like, that’s your thing? “Dude, I’m a big seed pocket, take it or leave it.” I can’t for the life of me understand how you’re pulling that off. I’ll be honest with you, in my book, you’re VERY close to becoming a holiday fruit like the pumpkin and fig.
CANTALOUPE
Did someone cut a milk fart, or is there a cantaloupe in here? Is that how you want to live your life? I put you in my fridge, and after 3 hours the whole thing smells like garbage. You’re the Chinese food of fruit. How am I supposed to be ok with that? You should be smaller so I can eat you all in one shot so I don’t have to store you and ruin the scent of my whole house for 4 days. Can we talk about the “u” in your name? Are you British? It’s affected, and you should be ashamed. Start spelling it “cantalope”, and we can start talking about other more important issues about you, like that fact that you have the same density as a mousepad and look far too vaginal.
You said vaginal… I giggled.
It is absolutely unfair for you to be this hilarious! Everything that comes out of your mouth send me into hysterics, KEEP IT UP, no pressure!
Excuse me?! Cantaloupes look too vaginal, but bananas are somehow okay?!
Oh, I never claimed that bananas are OK.
p.s. I f@$%ing hate bananas. (Though I totally agree with your view of smelly cantaloupes.)
Well, fruit in general is really more like the uterus of the plant.
good point
Finally, finally somebody understands. Oh my gosh, we need to be best friends.
Re: Cantaloupe.
THANK YOU. My toddler loves it, and my dear husband will cut it up so I don’t have to, but if the rinds are in the kitchen trash & not outside… BARF.
I’ve always said that cantaloupe is the bully of the fruit salad. It doesn’t matter how many other delicious fruits are in the salad, one piece of cantaloupe and the whole thing smells and tastes like nothing but cantaloupe.
Also, the pear is the apple’s unnattractive, bad-complected cousin.
Cantaloupe is the cheap filler of any restaurant fruit salad aroun here. It taste gross, everything ends up tasting like it.
Cantaloupe is nothing but a gigantic fruit fly factory. All you have to do is bring it into your house and you are swatting at those things for a month.
write more PLEASE!!!!!! this is amazing.
Thank goodness….I thought my daughter and I were alone when we have conversations like this…you are heaven sent and, ironically, probably demented. Never change. xo
Oh no…I think I broke one of the 3 rules of commentators…rats!