Raspberries & Oatnut Bread

Raspberries

First off, take the “p” out of your name–it’s pretentious. You know you look like a tiny beehive, right? And what’s with the weird hairs? I don’t eat anything hairy. Nobody does. Plus, you’re slightly crunchy? Am I feeling that right? What the hell is the crunchiness? Are those tiny seeds? You can’t be that small AND have seeds. You’re just a hairy, bitter, seed filled sack. Go hang out with a burlap bag filled with sand; you two should get along great. That being said, I do enjoy your color.

Oatnut Bread

You have ruined more sandwiches than off brand mayonnaise and watery mustard combined. “Oh, I can’t wait to eat this sandwich! Hey, what the hell are these chunks of walnut doing in here?” Honestly, where do you come off putting NUTS IN BREAD. I’m ok with the oats. I understand that you gotta do what you gotta do, and if what you gotta do is put oatmeal in yourself, then fine. But nuts? I can’t even fathom where you got the idea that people wouldn’t immediately panic and spit you out on the rug. “There’s some kind of petrified bug in this bread!” I think we can all agree that a turkey sandwich should not be crunchy. You might be thinking, “Hey gastronomical opinion expert, what about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?” Well, PB&Js should be crunchy, you’re right. But if that crunch comes from any other source than the PB, we should all march on Washington (or wherever bread is made.)

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