Raspberries & Oatnut Bread

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Raspberries

First off, take the “p” out of your name–it’s pretentious. You know you look like a tiny beehive, right? And what’s with the weird hairs? I don’t eat anything hairy. Nobody does. Plus, you’re slightly crunchy? Am I feeling that right? What the hell is the crunchiness? Are those tiny seeds? You can’t be that small AND have seeds. You’re just a hairy, bitter, seed filled sack. Go hang out with a burlap bag filled with sand; you two should get along great. That being said, I do enjoy your color.

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Oatnut Bread

You have ruined more sandwiches than off brand mayonnaise and watery mustard combined. “Oh, I can’t wait to eat this sandwich! Hey, what the hell are these chunks of walnut doing in here?” Honestly, where do you come off putting NUTS IN BREAD. I’m ok with the oats. I understand that you gotta do what you gotta do, and if what you gotta do is put oatmeal in yourself, then fine. But nuts? I can’t even fathom where you got the idea that people wouldn’t immediately panic and spit you out on the rug. “There’s some kind of petrified bug in this bread!” I think we can all agree that a turkey sandwich should not be crunchy. You might be thinking, “Hey gastronomical opinion expert, what about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?” Well, PB&Js should be crunchy, you’re right. But if that crunch comes from any other source than the PB, we should all march on Washington (or wherever bread is made.)

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4 Comments on “Raspberries & Oatnut Bread”

  1. Jess says:

    The seeds are the main reason to boycott raspberries. too many and too much effort to get them our of your teeth.

  2. Jenn says:

    Oatnut bread is evil! The only way it ever gets bought is when someone (like me) reaches for the oatMEAL bread and grabs it by accident. And doesn’t realize it until 3 bites into what should have been an awesome sandwich, which is now trash.

  3. g says:

    Awww…I love oatnut bread. I like crunchy things. I consider it one of the better inventions out there. Raspberries have a about a millisecond of being perfect and then they are rotten.

  4. Charity says:

    I feel the same way about raspberries! They really are pretty to look at. However, crunchy peanut butter……what are you, crazy!?


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