Blueberries & Peaches

Blueberry,

Yes, I see you. You’re adorable. But roughly 90% of the time I put one of you in my mouth, I think “Did I just eat a giant blister?” Sorry, but I detest the way you fail to burst inside my mouth. I expect a nice crisp experience, but instead, receive  some half-assed deflation followed by a bitter juicy run off. You have a bad attitude. It’s as if someone is forcing you to pop and then you do it while muttering, “This is bullshit.” Stop acting like a teenage employee at a Yogurt Land, and start living up to your potential. Grapes have been blowing you away for centuries.

P.S, You are amazing in pie, so keep that up.

Peach,

How many perfectly ripe peaches does the average person eat in their lifetime? Two? I’d say that’s average. The edibility window of a peach is twelve minutes. For that twelve minutes, you are amazing. But at minute thirteen you turn into Penicillin, correct?

Also, could you do something about the noise you make when I bite into you? Does it absolutely have to sound like a van being submerged into pudding? If there’s some wiggle room there, I would suggest toning that down a bit. Also, the fuzz? Kind of nasty. Please advise.

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19 Comments on “Blueberries & Peaches”

  1. Mary G says:

    My biggest complaint about peaches is the beard burn feeling you get on your chin while you are eating one that makes it feel like you just got hot & heavy with grizzly bear who has a peach flavored tongue. Especially since that feeling lasts for DAYS.

  2. nbjenni says:

    I could have written this word for word. And the feet smell of peaches does me in.

  3. Amy says:

    Ugh — the feet smell gets me too! They are just so slimy and stinky, except if you hit them during their peak of perfection, which Jason has correctly identified as 12 minutes long.
    Jason, I think you should lighten up on the blueberry though — so many other options with those other than eating them raw…and most are delicious…
    Can you please send one of these memos to the Water Chestnut?

  4. Peter Clark says:

    nectarines are like peaches but good

  5. Karen says:

    I love the way you write; you are so funny. I lol when I read your stuff. I feel the same abt blueberries…so cute and so.good for me but do they taste good to me? No, they do not. I dislike when people say to me….”ohhhh you don’t like blueberries? But they are SOOOO GOOD for you” and then go on to tell me the goodness of blueberries. I’m not an.idiot. and I don’t live under a rock….I just don’t care for them. Why can’t people understand that? Well, anyway, glad you do, and thanks for writing that juicy piece. Happy Summer!

  6. Andrea says:

    Try washing your peaches in hot water when you first get them. This tones down the fuzz and also removes the mold that makes them go bad so fast.

  7. Christina says:

    How about a blog on okra? You know, with an inside the consistency of snot.

    • Christina says:

      Although I will eat it fried. I can get past the snotty interior if it has a golden, crispy fried exterior. Oh, and lots of salt.

      • Natalie says:

        This is especially disgusting to me, Christina. I have an especially sensitive gag reflex, and one of my husband’s running “jokes” is to discuss the various preparations of boogers for consumption, in an effort to get me to vomit, or in the very least, retch until my stomach hurts. His favorite, because it always gets me, is to describe deep-fried boogers to me. Shit. Now I made myself retch thinking about it.

        And now I’ll never be able to try okra.

  8. Ashley S. says:

    I love a nice peach blueberry cobbler! I don’t care for either raw though….wierd…

  9. Gail says:

    I just sent a link to this site to my two favorite picky eaters. Between this and your parenting blog … well, you’re awesome!

  10. I am dying laughing at the peach post! Hilarious!


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